LATE SUMMER REFLECTIONS
My turning point in life was when I turned 32 and learned I will
never have biological kids, because I have an early menopause.
This was devastating for many aspects of my personal
experience, however it made me realize my own mortality. Like with every life changing
event, I tried to deny, negotiate and escape this news, but all of that hustling helped me accept the reality and what was beyond it.
It made me realize that I had already lived a beautiful life
with lots of amazing experiences.
I loved, hustled, had amazing fun and struggled. I studied
something I loved. I found a job that fulfilled me and gave me good money. I
married a great guy and traveled around with him. We live in a lovely apartment in
a nice city in my homeland. I am a lucky one.
I have a family that loves and cares for me. I have friends
who love, understand and help me in tough times. I have the possibility, time
and money explore my passions. I am able and healthy enough to hope for long
years of fulfilling life.
The only experience that really matters to me, which I want
to undertake in my life is to raise a child.
I gave up on the idea that I will give birth to one long time ago and
honestly, I never really imagined pregnancy as the fulfillment of my dreams.
However, even in the times of deepest doubts, I always felt I wanted to have a
child. With time however, the "have" part of the equation changed to raise, nurture, care for,
guide. The dream changed from me, to her (or him).
There are tons of those stories on the internet on how when the time is right,
things come to place. I don’t believe it comes with time, I believe it comes
with decision. When you make a call for yourself, things start making sense.
I always knew what I wanted, whether it be a career, shoes or
a guy and I pushed myself to get what I wanted. With being a mom, I could not
push any longer, I had to learn to let go and allow the intuition guide me. It
was only then when I started truly healing.
In this process, I improved my relationship with my parents, together with my husband, we fixed our
marriage and I started taking meds which helped me to vastly to undergo this process in a calm manner. I discovered
that outside of my job, I have lots of other interests, including creative
outlets like styling, photography, sewing or writing. I stopped chasing the
bunny and decided to wait for him to come to me, when he is ready.
I don’t believe in a law of attraction, but I do believe in
hope and faith that things will turn out well. I believe you can become an
optimist and that it helps. I believe in myself and the resources I have within me, that I can
use to grow. I believe in asking for help and giving it back. I believe in
honesty, kindness, reason and empathy. I believe I can be my most authentic
self and someone will love me no matter what. Even if that someone is only me, that
is enough. I believe I am enough.
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