FOOD for the SOUL

I gained weight again. Not much, like a 1kg more less, hitting the mark of nearly 67 kg, almost 10 kg from what I used to believe was my ideal weight.

My first reaction was panic, shame and disappointment. I started going through my mind checking out all the times I had a big meal, satisfied sweet tooth craving or skipped on activity.

Next was the feeling that I should not eat today. I had a lot of food in the last three days and I should avoid it now. I should eat a skinny salad and tasteless soup.

As the time passed, I started thinking more rationally. Last week I worked a lot and had no time for too much physical activity. My sleep patterns were out of balance due to that, which led me to crave more sweets and fatty snacks. On Saturday I took my husband out to celebrate at a lovely restaurant. Later I had a couple of glasses of wine and some cheese over dinner with my friend as we gossiped over our love lives. The next day I met with some other friends and had a great dinner and some lovely snacks and long interesting conversations. Yesterday we had our family over and prepared a lovely dinner for them, had some cake and popcorn and lots of fun. Totally no wonder my weight was out of balance.

Instead of dreading myself over and over, I did something new - I started to think what if my weight stayed unchanged, what would that mean for me for the last week.

My working week would be even worse, as I would limit the food intake and have no energy to do my job. My satisfaction from the well done work would be minimal and I would take it all out on my husband later. We would spend Saturday indoors, cleaning the house and fighting over who needs to do what. I would sit stiffly at my friend’s house and make her feel bad for me not indulging in what she prepared for us. I would avoid lunch with my friends, whom I did not see since last year and stayed at home sad and frustrated. I could have prepared a healthier food for myself and watch my family indulge with tasty potatoes and my homemade cake and pretend it was fine. At the end of the day I would either cried myself to sleep or fight with my husband just to release the stress. What a miserable time would that be!

I am not trying to excuse myself or say that this weight intake was the driver of a beautiful weekend with my loved ones. I am just trying to make a point, that the number on the scale does not say a full story. That sometimes the weight we envision as our ideal is not necessarily the best for us.

More over, I am on a road of re-learning to eat and not treating food as an enemy and honestly, most of the time I am getting there. While I do want to get into shape and start exercising more, I am not mentally capable to focus on that yet. Even though the process of gaining weight is really scary if you r self-confidence was most of your life linked to your looks, I see it as a path to healing myself, as the only way to fix the mental issues I have with eating. A chance to be able to cherish food as a source of nutrients, to not be afraid of it and make exercise a hobby, a source of pleasure and self care, rather than as a form of punishment to myself for being not the way I expect myself to be.

Especially if it means crossing the scale even further, my aim is to learn to accept myself and my size without shame and guilt, but as a just one part of me and definitely not a defining one.