LESSONS from 2019
Everyday can be an opportunity to grow and learn - cliche as hell, I know, however it took me a long time to learn this by heart. I used to think growth ends at a certain point in life, you just grow up and become who you were meant to be and from now on everything is clear and easy. What a foolish thing to say, especially looking back at how life has taught me the exact opposite. This year was not an exception and though I do not recall any of my New Years Eve resolutions, I want to to keep in mind what I have learned from 2019.
1. You can't force anyone to love you, like you or be the kind of friend you expect them to be.
This was a big lesson as so far in n my life I always considered friendship as the biggest value in social relations. I had a defined expectation to friendship based solely on loyalty, mutual understanding and everlasting support no matter the circumstances. I considered myself a lucky person to have so many friends and did a lot to make them my priority. Yet, I always had a fear of abandonment from those who were close to me, lack of satisfaction in relations and a kind of distaste in certain encounters. I thought it was them, the people who made me feel uncomfortable, but I realized it was me always catering to people's expectations and needs, even when I did not feel like.
This year I had become really lucky as someone I always held dear has approached me and asked if I would like to deepen my bond with them. At first it was kind of scary, but with time it made me realize what a true friendship is. Like with love, it is a flow and like with love, it never ends, just sometimes disappears. On the other hand, just like love, it can become toxic if you mismanage it. Friend is someone dear and close, but you need to put in the time and the effort to keep the relation afloat. It can diminish or deepen depending on circumstances. It can be a source of peace and understanding, but as well a source of conflict or motivation to change.
Friendship is and always will remain a big source of positive energy for me, but it has become easier to embrace the fact that while the energy of friendship will remain a big part of my path, people along the road will change and that there is no need to hold a grudge, but take what was given and hope to meet along the road again.
2. The relationship with yourself sets the tone for the other ones in your life.
I was taught to always consider other people's needs before mine, while being the witness of the fights fueled by disappointment that needs were not met by others. These were the schemes I was taught and this year has been the first time when I consciously decided to prioritize myself.
Self care and acceptance is currently trending, which is probably part of the reason why it has become an easier process for me. However I also feel that I have gone a long way through anger, shame and hurt into acceptance, understanding and possibly maybe even love some day.
I have accepted my past and took responsibility for my actions, while learning to live in the moment and planning for the future without fear and since I have no influence on what future bring I realized that only today counts.
Life has an end date, which I will never know, so it is my responsibility to live the life which I want and which is good for me. This made it easier for me to set healthy boundaries with family and friends, set the right expectation at work and create a more cohesive life for myself. It is still a work in progress, but the more I understand and accept myself, the more love and acceptance I can share with the ones who are close to me which truly enhances and deepens my relationships.
3. Marriage or long term romantic relationship is as much of a privilege as is an obligation.
I did not think much about why am I getting married and what would that mean to my future. I did not ask myself if this man is a good husband material or if I can be a good wife. Not for a minute did I acknowledge the fact that instead of happily ever after my story maybe "maybe one day" we will get there. I was like a blind child so eager to fulfill the expectations of society, my family and my husband's, I never asked myself what does this really mean for me.
However now, the longer we stay together. the more I understand what a great privilege it is that someone wants to spend their life with you, build a home, raise children and be there for you in the darkest days. I realized how unique, it is to show your vulnerabilities and get nourished, how important it is to listen to what that person is going through, to support them and help them become someone who they were always meant to be.
But, it is hard work. It requires the balance of giving and getting. Of silence and harsh discussions. Of millions of small compromises, simple gestures and putting someone's needs ahead of yours. Giving that person the space to cry, shout, be moody as much as laughing from their shitty jokes and playing games. Marriage is a journey, at times bumpy while at times smooth as silk. Because the bad and sickness are just the other side of the same coin, which you chose for all your lifetime.
4. You can't save the world alone, try saving yourself.
We are being told we live in unsafe times and offered various lifestyle alternatives that can help us improve us, the environment, animals and the world. While being inspired by those movements and consider them extremely important, an individual alone can never make a massive change. The change of an individual, can inspire a chain of changes, but we have to be realistic and remember that the downstream movement without an upstream action, in the long run will not suffice.
We need legal local and international changes, we need understanding and commitment, we need proper education, we need support for those in need of it. So don't dread yourself every time you make a small mistake on the way, because guilt and shame is the worse advisory. We are all imperfect and while striving for mastery is admirable, we are just simple humans who want to wake up day by day and live our life.
Don't let the wight of the world get into you, as every action towards positive impact counts. You do not have to become the most conscious zero waste, vegan activist, just do what feels right for the issue that you care about. If you care about the animals, restraining from eating animal products may seem natural and easy to some, however it may not be as easy for others and we should not shame each other for the lifestyle we can commit too. If your change means not eating that cheeseburger once per week, kudos to you, you are fabulous! Be reasonable and care for who you are and who and what surrounds you, as you are a part of the bigger puzzle in this universe.
With this new knowledge I enter the new decade 2000's with hope, clarity and compassion towards others and myself
"If your compassion does not include you, you are doing it wrong"
Self care and acceptance is currently trending, which is probably part of the reason why it has become an easier process for me. However I also feel that I have gone a long way through anger, shame and hurt into acceptance, understanding and possibly maybe even love some day.
I have accepted my past and took responsibility for my actions, while learning to live in the moment and planning for the future without fear and since I have no influence on what future bring I realized that only today counts.
Life has an end date, which I will never know, so it is my responsibility to live the life which I want and which is good for me. This made it easier for me to set healthy boundaries with family and friends, set the right expectation at work and create a more cohesive life for myself. It is still a work in progress, but the more I understand and accept myself, the more love and acceptance I can share with the ones who are close to me which truly enhances and deepens my relationships.
3. Marriage or long term romantic relationship is as much of a privilege as is an obligation.
I did not think much about why am I getting married and what would that mean to my future. I did not ask myself if this man is a good husband material or if I can be a good wife. Not for a minute did I acknowledge the fact that instead of happily ever after my story maybe "maybe one day" we will get there. I was like a blind child so eager to fulfill the expectations of society, my family and my husband's, I never asked myself what does this really mean for me.
However now, the longer we stay together. the more I understand what a great privilege it is that someone wants to spend their life with you, build a home, raise children and be there for you in the darkest days. I realized how unique, it is to show your vulnerabilities and get nourished, how important it is to listen to what that person is going through, to support them and help them become someone who they were always meant to be.
But, it is hard work. It requires the balance of giving and getting. Of silence and harsh discussions. Of millions of small compromises, simple gestures and putting someone's needs ahead of yours. Giving that person the space to cry, shout, be moody as much as laughing from their shitty jokes and playing games. Marriage is a journey, at times bumpy while at times smooth as silk. Because the bad and sickness are just the other side of the same coin, which you chose for all your lifetime.
4. You can't save the world alone, try saving yourself.
We are being told we live in unsafe times and offered various lifestyle alternatives that can help us improve us, the environment, animals and the world. While being inspired by those movements and consider them extremely important, an individual alone can never make a massive change. The change of an individual, can inspire a chain of changes, but we have to be realistic and remember that the downstream movement without an upstream action, in the long run will not suffice.
We need legal local and international changes, we need understanding and commitment, we need proper education, we need support for those in need of it. So don't dread yourself every time you make a small mistake on the way, because guilt and shame is the worse advisory. We are all imperfect and while striving for mastery is admirable, we are just simple humans who want to wake up day by day and live our life.
Don't let the wight of the world get into you, as every action towards positive impact counts. You do not have to become the most conscious zero waste, vegan activist, just do what feels right for the issue that you care about. If you care about the animals, restraining from eating animal products may seem natural and easy to some, however it may not be as easy for others and we should not shame each other for the lifestyle we can commit too. If your change means not eating that cheeseburger once per week, kudos to you, you are fabulous! Be reasonable and care for who you are and who and what surrounds you, as you are a part of the bigger puzzle in this universe.
With this new knowledge I enter the new decade 2000's with hope, clarity and compassion towards others and myself
"If your compassion does not include you, you are doing it wrong"
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