LATE SUMMER REFLECTIONS

 

My turning point in life was when I turned 32 and learned I will never have biological kids, because I have an early menopause.

This was devastating for many aspects of my personal experience, however it made me realize my own mortality. Like with every life changing event, I tried to deny, negotiate and escape this news, but all of that hustling helped me accept the reality and what was beyond it.

It made me realize that I had already lived a beautiful life with lots of amazing experiences.

I loved, hustled, had amazing fun and struggled. I studied something I loved. I found a job that fulfilled me and gave me good money. I married a great guy and traveled around with him. We live in a lovely apartment in a nice city in my homeland. I am a lucky one.

I have a family that loves and cares for me. I have friends who love, understand and help me in tough times. I have the possibility, time and money explore my passions. I am able and healthy enough to hope for long years of fulfilling life.

The only experience that really matters to me, which I want to undertake in my life is to raise a child.

I gave up on the idea that I will give birth to one long time ago and honestly, I never really imagined pregnancy as the fulfillment of my dreams. However, even in the times of deepest doubts, I always felt I wanted to have a child. With time however, the "have" part of the equation changed to raise, nurture, care for, guide. The dream changed from me, to her (or him).

There are tons of those stories on the internet on how when the time is right, things come to place. I don’t believe it comes with time, I believe it comes with decision. When you make a call for yourself, things start making sense.

I always knew what I wanted, whether it be a career, shoes or a guy and I pushed myself to get what I wanted. With being a mom, I could not push any longer, I had to learn to let go and allow the intuition guide me. It was only then when I started truly healing.

In this process, I improved my relationship with my parents, together with my husband, we fixed our marriage and I started taking meds which helped me to vastly to undergo this process in a calm manner. I discovered that outside of my job, I have lots of other interests, including creative outlets like styling, photography, sewing or writing. I stopped chasing the bunny and decided to wait for him to come to me, when he is ready.

I don’t believe in a law of attraction, but I do believe in hope and faith that things will turn out well. I believe you can become an optimist and that it helps. I believe in myself and the resources I have within me, that I can use to grow. I believe in asking for help and giving it back. I believe in honesty, kindness, reason and empathy. I believe I can be my most authentic self and someone will love me no matter what. Even if that someone is only me, that is enough. I believe I am enough.