In praise of NOT being COOL

Maybe it is the mood, maybe it has been a couple of books I have been reading, but more and more I have been striving to rip myself of the need to be COOL.

I come from a very un-COOL family. My mom and dad like the simple life and traditional values. They are deeply religious and keep up with the Jones's. For years I felt this was a reason for shame. I distanced myself from their values, entertainment and generally from their presence. I build a COOL persona, with an eclectic taste for music, fondness for clothing and a circle of "friends" who shared the same interests. Nevertheless no matter how hard I have tried, there was always a reason to get mocked and shamed. There was always something cool I did not know, like a new indie band or a clothing brand I was not aware of. I had to know it. Whom would have I been if I had not known it?

With time I understand the underlying motivation was my low self esteem. I was never good enough, so I followed the rule fake it till you make it. The problem was I never made it.

A couple of years ago i collapsed mentally. I could not sleep, could not eat, barely had the strength to even exist. My whole ego fell apart and all the nasty demons came to life. I was no longer pretending to like myself, I have openly hated my guts. It was like going through hell. But I kept walking. It is not easy to start liking your flaws. It is even harder to start accepting them. I won't lie, the meds and therapy helped. Admitting to my own pain and weakness helped. I had to rebuild myself. I started slowly with the easy parts. I stopped dieting. I quit alcohol. I gave myself permission to watch series all day long laying in bed eating chips. I wore the same clothes all the time and did not use make up. It was not a life changing glamorous transformation, but it helped. I realized for how long my fondness to seem cool was just a cry for acceptance. I was so good at it that I even convinced myself this was the real me. I stopped playing the COOL girl to my man, my friends and coworkers. I opened up to people with what I was going through. I opened to my parents and shared with them the reasons why I was so depressed and distant as a teen. I opened to my husband about what I experienced in the past and how that was affecting our relationship.

Now I am writing this in sweat pants and no make up, listening to old Demi Lovato old songs watching how my baby girl picks up garbage from the floor fascinated like as if it was the biggest treasure in the world. I have no idea who is the new trendy singer or whom to follow on Instagram, but I feel calm and this is priceless. The process of un-COOLing gave me new, this time real reasons for both joy and sadness. I can't say it is over, there might still be some COOLness in me, which I have to rip like an old wall paper, but we are getting there. 

What is the point you might ask me. Acceptance is the ultimate goal for me. I do not want to be COOL for others any longer, it is a job I leave to others. I want to be me for me and the ones I love. Only this way I can really feel loved and understood and reciprocate these feelings. Only then I can find peace.