PILLS and POTIONS 1

I was told few years back, that I have an alcohol problem. I was outraged, especially that the person saying that, was not exactly the best sobriety ambassador.  Maybe it was a projection as I thought at the time, but with years passing I started digging into the outrage caused by this statement. What was behind that? I realized with time, that I do have a problem or to be specific, more than one and while alcohol was not one of it, it was worse. Alcohol was the easy, on hand solution.

I started drinking at a young age, I was about 13 years old when I had my first drink. The first time I got really drunk, was soon after my 14th birthday. It was still new and fun and not a major part of my life. I was a regular teenager, I thought. It got trickier in high school. I drank cheap wine, which I hated, and I would vomit afterwards. The higher the grade, the stronger the shots became. I had blackouts and nights over the toilette on a regular. I remember my University years through a fog. I would drink almost everyday, up to a blackout and it would get only worse with time. I mixed alcohol with weed and casual hook ups. The more I drank, the more I got hurt, and the more hurt I was, the more I would drink. You get the point.

The first wake up call would come during my senior year at University. I lost a friend because of my drinking and hook ups. Not a good one, but still someone close to me. It made me stop and rethink my behavior and where it leading me. The second wake up call was when I started my 9 to 5 job. I could no longer go out on a daily and drink shots without the repercussions to my professional life. However ,the thing that eventually made me stop drinking, was when I started taking anti-depressants.

I was in therapy before and it sort of made me realize that I have unhealthy coping mechanisms, especially connected to alcohol, but it wasn't until my meds started working that I was forced to stop. Alcohol would worsen my anxiety and depression and the moral hang overs would last for days. I had no choice, but to quit.

For years alcohol helped me to distract myself from the obvious issues I had. Now I am at the point when I can say easily "no" to it and I feel I am in control, not the other way around. Nowadays I do drink at times, a glass of champagne or a cocktail, but the change is evident. I do it for the taste, for the Dolce Vita, to celebrate myself rather than escape from it. 

I found new, healthier ways to deal with my social anxiety, low self esteem and general lack of self acceptance. I am not perfect and definitely not the walking definition of self confidence, but at least I am real now. 

I used to be fake, without even realizing it. I have build up this cool, funny persona which deflected people (myself included) from the reality, which was painful at the time. Dropping this mask and showing my true self to people was probably the most courageous thing I have ever done in  my life. It cost me friendships, job opportunities and parts of social life I craved for in the past, but it gave me the peace I needed more.

I like myself and feels extremely weird to say it out loud. I am aware of my strong side and accept my flaws. It is much harder to force me to do things I no longer find value in. I no longer give in to manipulation and am not afraid to stand up for myself. I work on my dreams and  understand that it takes time and effort to build anything. Most of all, I know that a drink after a difficult day, will not make it easier in the long run, it will just delay the processing, which needs to happen now and I accept that. 

If there is one thing I learned from my alcohol adventures it is to better leave the uncomfortable situations than numb yourself to survive. Whatever the poison, choose yourself, instead of it.