THE DARK SIDE

The pandemic, various lockdowns and the appearance of my first baby girl reinvented not only the way I live, but also the way I feel and think.

The massive change, uncertainty and lack of freedom of doing what I want, made me realize I am not as wonderful as I thought I was.

I am a mean, petty person. I fight with my family and friends over the tiniest inconveniences. I overthink and secretly judge people, without having the gut to tell them straight up what I think, so I gossip behind their backs. I make promises, that I break. I change plans last minute, just because I don't feel like doing something and I make lame excuses just to avoid repercussions of honesty. I can be fake, dishonest, manipulative and massively self centered.

This knowledge is not an oblivion of the last couple of months, I have been sitting on it for a few years now. I have been working to change, to be what I believe is a better person. I tried to learn to judge less, to have an open mind, to work on my temper and watch my words. I learned to be more honest and upfront and let go of past grievances, yet I still feel like shit.

What changes recently after so much time in lockdown and only with my closest family is the realization that maybe I do not have to be a better person and all this effort is futile. While these characteristics can be painful, on the other side, I have also a nice shiny side of me.

I make people laugh, inspire them, support in most shitty situations and empower them to move on. I am fun and creative and unafraid to show my feelings. I give people lots of love and acceptance, even when I secretly think they are making mistakes, I support their path. I can create a cozy, homey atmosphere and allow people to open up and feel good about themselves.

I am not trying to convince people that self improvement is a pointless exercise, it did make me a better or at least a more conscious person, but the awareness of being a shitbag is hard to swallow. With time accepting the notion that I might forever be an asshole of some sort and that there is nothing wrong with that, allows for more empathy for myself and that brings those "shinier" aspect of my being and maybe that is the solution. 

Nobody is perfect, so could the amplification of the strong sides, lower the impact of those more problematic?